Dear Karen,

I have been dating a very wonderful man for over a year, and we have decided to start living together. We are both very excited about having a beautiful, loving home together. The problem is that I am a very "out with the old and in with the new" individual, and I am very open with my personal space and love filling it with friends. He is a very private person with a lot of clutter who is VERY protective of his space. He also falls into the "collector" personality, fortunately, he only collects DVD's (which we use) and Home Theater Magazines. We will be moving to our new place in six weeks, and I am busy actively weeding out books, clothing, and clutter to make the move easier.

To get to the point, I am wondering if you could suggest ways for me to convince my significant other that he'll feel much better getting rid of his clutter. He will not give any weight to ideas that sound mystical or religious (he is an atheist and a skeptic) but I am hoping that he can see it as a practical, useful thing to do and that he will pick up a garbage can and get started! Sincere thanks,

- Lauren, U.S.A.

Karen's reply:

Firstly you need to assess whether your partner's DVD's and magazines are actually clutter - if he is using them, has regular clear-outs and they are kept tidy then they are not clutter unless there are just too many of them for the size of your new home. If you decide they truly are clutter, I very much encourage you to communicate with him about this issue BEFORE you move in together, and reach a decision that you can both wholeheartedly agree to. It is infinitely more difficult to do this after you are living together.

The reason is that the clutter itself is not the issue - it is only ever a symptom of a deeper underlying issue. The fact that you are the type of person to read my book and you feel your partner wouldn't give it credence already indicates that you have some harmonizing of life styles ahead of you. You both need to understand why he feels the need and you don't feel the need to keep 'stuff', and then you can both decide if you can happily live with those values or not.

Here's a tip that has worked for many people: The way to motivate a person to clear clutter is to educate and inspire. Leave my book in a place where your partner is bound to find it and will have time to peruse it. Be sure to put some bookmarks in the sections you want him to read and feel he will be able to relate to. The majority of my books are actually sold in mainstream bookshops and appeal to a much wider audience than you may suppose. Good luck!